Emotional Masochism: Why Do You Secretly Want to Be Miserable?

Those with emotional masochism insist they try to find happiness, but they intentionally seek out misery. Why do they secretly want to be hurt?

Masochism means deriving pleasure from being hurt, but it is not just about the sex. Emotional masochism is when you find pleasure in engaging in emotional negativity and being miserable. In fact, an emotional masochist not only enjoys misery, they seek it out.

There are some who say they search to be happy. Then, the minute it is right in front of them, they throw drama and blow it all apart.

Being addicted to unhappiness is not as uncommon as you’d believe. Most just never see the way that we sabotage our own happiness because we receive pleasure from our angst.

20 signs of emotional masochism

Different from depression, an emotional masochist enjoys being unhappy and seeks out things to make themselves feel down. I know, it is confusing… Very similar to other terms like self-sabotage, self-fulfilling prophecies, and other limiting factors that one engages. Emotional masochism is a mindset guided by seeking misery while under the guise of wanting happiness. [Read: OMG I’m so bored with life – 20 ways to bring the spark back]

The thing about being an emotional masochist is that most lack awareness that they actually do things to make themselves miserable to feel good.

If you constantly find yourself in a sad mood, looking for the negative side of any situation, or finding yourself “unlucky” all the time then you might be your own worst enemy and standing in the way of your own happiness.

#1 You know Facebook makes you miserable, but you take a peek anyway. People with emotional masochism know that something makes them absolutely miserable but refuse to cut it out of their life.

If you get on Facebook every day to look up and see what past loves and friendships are doing without you, then you might be doing it to pull yourself back into misery. Stop! [Read: How to love yourself: 15 ways to discover self-love and happiness]

#2 You reach out to people who are toxic to you. If you are someone who swore off a friend or a family member but then get anxious and send them a message on the holidays only to be kicked again by no response, then you might be an emotional masochist.

People who bang their head against an emotional wall aren’t insane. They gain some benefit from it = emotional masochism.

#3 When things are too quiet you find a problem just to stir things up. When you feel a tinge of relief and sanity, you look around and find somewhere to stir up trouble.

If it is quiet, you rehash shit from the past or drag yourself back into a cycle of things that lead to a downward spiral. That is all on you. Examine why being miserable feels so damn good. [Read: Sabotaging your own life – 12 ways you’re making yourself miserable every day]

#4 You stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. People roll their eyes and say things like “Why do you stay?,” but you just do. Being beat up and letting someone make you feel horrible is just your cross to bear… Or do you feel better when someone treats you worse? [Read: How to let go of a relationship that’s bad for you]

#5 When you are in a good relationship you break up because it isn’t the right one. If every nice person you have a relationship with isn’t your type, then stop and think about what your type is? Could it be someone who treats you badly because you are all about the emotional masochism?

#6 You’re upset with someone about something. If it seems like you want to be bothered by someone all the time, then you might be an emotional masochist.

If you are okay with everyone in your life and feel like you should create a problem to displace your anguish, then you make yourself miserable. Not to mention those around you too.

#7 You never say no to anyone. If you think you can’t say no because you are a pleaser, think again. No one forces you to say yes but you. You might be driven because you look for misery and negativity.

Whatever benefit you derive from pleasing someone disappears by the negativity that you feel doing whatever it is you didn’t want to do. Then you say you just can’t ever say no. Guess what, if you didn’t enjoy being miserable you would learn. [Read: How to say no: Stop pleasing people and feel awesome instead]

#8 If there is someone miserable in a room, you are attracted to them. Misery loves company. If you constantly seek out miserable people to be around, then you aren’t trying to find happiness. You are trying to find someone to sulk and be miserable with.

#9 You push people away when they reach out to help you. Pushing people away is not you being independent. If you receive help from others, you won’t be negative and all alone. You’d have to stop being your miserable self if you let other people in.

#10 You start fights just to feel alive. If you are someone who starts fights just for the drama and they make you feel alive, you’re probably an emotional masochist.

#11 You seek out friendships and people in your life who put you down or walk all over you. People who want to be surrounded by misery and unhappiness seek out people in their lives who put them down, continually hurt them, and aren’t sensitive to their needs. That includes being attracted to narcissistic people and then talking about how bad they are. [Read: 16 clear signs you’re being subtly abused by a narcissist]

#12 You don’t ever stand up for yourself. You are a punching bag. If you never stick up for yourself but aren’t a pushover when it comes to people you don’t know, then you subconsciously put yourself in relationships with people who provide you no comfort and probably cause you a lot of grief. [Read: How to stand up for yourself: Get what you want and deserve]

#13 You disregard any praise and seek to get the approval of those who aren’t please-able. If you fail to hear anything good about yourself even when it is said, that is on you.

Only looking at the negative side of life, you only hear the negative things and subconsciously negate the praise people give you.

#14 Just when you find yourself being able to let something go, you revisit it again. Rumination is emotional masochism’s best friend and hangs out with them often.

#15 You continue to try to fix things with people who shit all over you. An emotionally masochistic person can’t leave well enough alone and walk away. They stay and stir the pot under the guise of trying to make things better.

Instead of just letting things lie or walking away, they try to fix the unfixable again and again. They find nothing but unhappiness in doing so. [Read: Why do I feel so alone? The answers that can change your life]

#16 You apologize for being you. If you apologize for what you do and then apologize that you apologized, then you probably have emotional masochism.

People who allow others to continually make them feel bad or question if they are a good person, aren’t looking for happiness. If they were, they’d move along, improving themselves instead of hanging around to be put down.

#17 You take on the responsibility to make everyone like you or be happy. If you live your life to make people happy or to make them like you, then you set yourself up for unhappiness. You know from experience you aren’t ever going to get everyone to like you, but as an emotional masochist, you still try. [Read: How to be happy again – 20 rules to draw happiness from within]

#18 People constantly tell you that you are too nice. Too nice doesn’t equal too nice. In most instances, it means you feel good about feeling bad.

You talk about how people are so bad to you and spread negativity, but then say you do it for some other reason. You are too nice because it subconsciously feels good when people are bad to you. [Read: Are you too nice? 20 signs of a people pleaser]

#19 You let people blow you off again and again and never call them out. If you go back to the same person who shows you indifference and treats you like you are insignificant, then you aren’t looking for happy relationships. You sit in your own misery and keep yourself stuck. [Read: 17 ways to welcome positive energy into your life]

#20 When you are down you love to beat yourself up more by listening to every sad song on your playlist. Seriously? You aren’t feeling badly enough?! Then, you kick yourself when you are down. That follows negativity and finding misery instead of trying to break out to find happiness.

Emotional masochism is finding pleasure in feeling pain. It stems from many social and personality disorders, being abused during your formative years, or for no apparent reason at all.

[Read: The rules of life – 22 secrets to never be unhappy ever again]

Having a little emotional masochism is normal for everyone. If finding pain and chaos is the entire way you live your life, then stop and reexamine why you find happiness in being so unhappy.

The post Emotional Masochism: Why Do You Secretly Want to Be Miserable? is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.