How to Spice Up Your Marriage Without Using Sexual Tools… What?

If you want to know how to spice up your marriage, it doesn’t always involve sex acts. Try these different modes of reconnecting to turn on the heat!

Is there anything worse than hitting the bed and rolling over another night… alone? Marriage is not an easy relationship to maintain. When growing up, most of us had the impression that we would fall in love, Prince Charming would swoop us off our feet, and we would live happily and sexually fulfilled for eternity.

Unfortunately, other things in life get in the way. The good news is that no matter how far things have gotten, you can still learn how to spice up your marriage.

For guys, the same is true. One day they wake up wondering where that vixen who couldn’t get enough went. In her place is a woman who is seemingly never happy, overly critical, and wears a “hands off” sign constantly. Sometimes what we need, and the messages we send, don’t coincide.

There is an old saying about what goes on in the bedroom goes on in the marriage, and although being married is about the day-to-day partnership and commitment that two people make, if there is no intimacy, it could be leaving you both feeling disconnected and detached. [Read: 17 of the best naughty ideas to spice up married sex]

Making the first move, even in marriage, is often difficult. No one wants to be rejected. Sometimes, to get something, you have to give something.

There are many features that you will read about spicing things up in the bedroom with the focus on how to “turn your mate on” using sex. [Read: How to make married sex feel like a one night stand in no time]

But I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that your lack of sexual contact may have something less to do with your sexual attraction *or needs* and more about the other parts of your relationship that aren’t being fulfilled.

Here is how to spice up your marriage

If you want to know how to spice up your marriage, things like porn, little nighties, and experimentation are probably going to work. But, to keep it spicy, you have to find that deep desire to connect, be kind, and love one another. [Read: 16 mind-blowing ways to spice up your relationship]

These are 9 ways to spice up your marriage that may not be what you expected to read. But, I promise if you give them a try, you will find yourself being sexually satisfied night after night as a result.

#1 Think about the way that you are talking to them. If you are beginning to sound more like their boss, or worse yet, their mother, that is not something that turns the heat off in a marriage. It is difficult to have sexy feelings for someone who you feel mistreats you with their words, is overly critical, or just downright degrades you.

If you want to turn your mate on, start by changing the way that you speak to them. Sure, sex talk is something that will get their engines revving, but complimenting them on a job well done or speaking to them like you admire them, will give them the confidence to bridge the growing divide that may be happening in your bed.

Words of encouragement are like sexual verbal banter. Speak to your significant other in kind ways if you want them to touch you kindly and intimately, let their guard down, and be vulnerable with you. [Read: 16 ways to show your appreciation for someone you love]

#2 Leave them little gifts to say “I love you.” When you leave an unexpected gift for your spouse, it says to them that you have been thinking about them and value them. It doesn’t have to be a sexy lingerie item to turn them on. In fact, sometimes if they aren’t feeling the love, giving them a gift of sexual intimacy may feel more like pressure than any real act of gift giving.

You don’t have to spend a fortune, simply leaving them a note that says “you’re the best” or “where would I be without you?” will trigger that sexual desire that they may have forgotten.

A little gift of any nature lets them know that they are still the hot sexy person that you promised your undying love to. The smallest of gifts… from a card to even a note on a post-it note… can be the best way to start learning how to spice up your marriage. [Read: How to show love – 15 sweet ways to express love without words]

#3 Spend quality time. Sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with attraction. There are times when couples are literally just so tired that sex is one more activity that they just don’t have the time or energy for. Surprise your spouse by planning a weekend getaway. It doesn’t have to be to the Caribbean or cost a lot of money.

If you can’t take the time away, ask someone to take the kids to their house overnight or for the weekend. You can spend the first night in bed saving up energy, and the second you can use that energy for some extracurricular activities.

Exhaustion is exhaustion, and it doesn’t discriminate between pleasurable and non-pleasurable things. Sometimes you just need to re-juice your batteries to have something more for your loved one. Daily life can drain all that you have. If you want to know how to spice up your marriage, then take a pause and give yourself some time to recuperate. [Read: Top 50 kinky ideas for a sexy relationship]

#4 Use words of validation. If you never feel like you are doing anything right, it is hard to feel good about yourself or to think sexy thoughts. As a woman, the last thing I want to do is rip my clothes off for some sexual fun when I have been beaten down by life all day.

Validating your spouse by telling them verbally that they are hot, that they are an excellent parent, or even that they make a mean pot roast is sometimes the biggest turn on that anyone can have.

It isn’t all about saying how much you “want them” as it is about how much you appreciate them. Words of appreciation and validation for all that they do and all that they are, may be just the thing to carry the love back into your bedroom and marriage. [Read: 25 ways to say “I really appreciate you” without using words]

#5 Live out their fantasy. There is likely sometime in your marriage where your mate has signaled their fantasy interlude. If you want to spice things up, then set it up for them. Whether it is rose petals at the door leading to your room, or chocolate dip to smooth all over each other, make their greatest dreams come true. All it takes is one night to provide excitement to relive for a month.

Living out their fantasy can be a sexual way to turn them on, but there is an overture that you are willing to put yourself in a vulnerable position and to put their wants and needs ahead of your own.

Don’t always think in terms of gaining pleasure. Sometimes, in order to know how to spice up your marriage, you have to do things that you may not think are all that sexy, but could be, because you are doing them to make your spouse’s fantasies come true. [Read: 12 real signs of true love in a relationship]

#6 Do something nice for them. Sometimes spicing up your marriage is about more than just sex. If you want to find some love spark that may be flickering, do something nice for your spouse.

Letting them know that you are thinking about them, like buying them a sexy outfit or ordering a new sex toy to place by their bed is a great way to remind them of what you think of them and how much you desire to be with them. [Read: How to better a relationship and improve your love life]

#7 Spend an important event alone. If your marriage is rarely about you and the family, but rather about in-laws, extended family members, and obligations, it is difficult to remember that you two and your attraction for one another comes first.

If your mother and father are thinking about taking a trip for the holidays, maybe this one time you can try to create more intimacy in your family and your relationship by asking for an “immediate-family” only occasion.

When you put your spouse first and recognize that they need to feel like a priority once in a while, that makes them feel connected to you. What do connected people want to do? They typically want to connect sexually. Make your mate a priority, and they will prioritize time to be alone and share some pleasure. [Read: 16 non-sexual touches to feel connected and loved]

#8 Take something off their plate. Okay, maybe not very sexy, but sometimes the lack of intimacy is all about not having enough time or feeling overwhelmed. If you want your mate to feel loved and in the mood, pick up the vacuum or cut the lawn for them.

This can sometimes be a bigger strategy for how to spice to your marriage than anything sexual. It says, “I love you,” and will make your partner want to return the favor. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for happy love]

#9 Be selfless. Even if you aren’t really in the mood, pleasure your spouse. Spicing things up in your marriage is sometimes about being selfless and taking the initiative to do something to make them feel good… even if you aren’t in the mood. Blow jobs are like giving flowers and men like to have a surprise sometimes too.

Attraction and sex are both very integral to intimacy in a relationship. If you feel like you have created a divot in the middle of the bed from lack of meeting in the middle, you can learn how to spice up your marriage by making a change in your behaviors with each other.

Sometimes, the spicy things don’t come in gels, lube, and brown paper packages. They are created out of concern, reconnecting, making someone a priority, or taking things off your partner’s already overwhelmed plate.

[Read: 16 secrets to a perfectly happy relationship]

All those other sexual suggestions for how to spice up your marriage are valid and excellent. But I suggest that you remind your spouse of what you used to be, how you used to care for one another, and what your real priorities are… them.

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